


What is grief, if not love persevering?

by violetbear



Category: Mass Effect: Andromeda
Genre: Character Death, Flashbacks, Goodbyes, M/M, Suicidal Thoughts, Wakes & Funerals
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-10
Updated: 2021-03-10
Packaged: 2021-03-16 19:33:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,653
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29954817
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/violetbear/pseuds/violetbear
Summary: Reyes tries to get through the day of Scott's funeral. If only to make sure their kids will be alright. After that? He didn't know. But Scott did.
Relationships: Male Ryder | Scott/Reyes Vidal
Kudos: 9





	What is grief, if not love persevering?

This was a day he'd prepared himself for since he first met Scott. But he realized he hadn't fully thought the actual reality through enough. He looked in the mirror and adjusted his tie. But could anyone really prepare for this?  
"Papa." He turned from the mirror as the bedroom door opened and a young woman with coloring that matched him except for her clear blue eyes, walked in. "It's almost time. Are you ready?"  
"Maybe. What do you think?" She smiled before adjusting his tie back the way it was. "There. Perfect."  
"I have to be to match you two. You look stunning, my dear." 

"Oh, papa. You say that no matter what I wear." She smoothed a hand over the simple black dress she wore.  
"And it's always true. Where's your brother?"  
"Downstairs in the living room. We decided to switch the favorites around."  
"We never had favorites. You were both loved equally."  
"We know. But I think Allie thinks he's preventing further sadness." He looked at her, eyebrow raised. "He looks like dad just as I look like you."  
"Sounds exactly like your brother. And your dad too. Speaking of, how are you holding up?" 

If he hadn't been looking right at her, he would have missed the brief look of grief in her eyes that appeared before it was just as quickly gone.  
"I'm fine, papa."  
"You're too much like me for your own good."  
"Thought I was the one who took after dad?"  
"You are. But there is just enough of me in you to cause trouble."  
"This isn't the true goodbye. We had that yesterday. This is for their records. Their hero goodbye. I won't be captured for forever tear streaked and blotchy." He kissed her forehead. 

"That's my girl. Your dad was a hero. Though he hated being called one. But what he was most proud of, of all his accomplishments, was being a dad. Did we ever tell you about the-?"  
"First two months of our lives? Only multiple times." She kissed his cheek. "But you can tell it to us again. After their ceremony."  
"This isn't just their ceremony. Your dad was well loved. Everyone deserves the chance to say goodbye."  
"I know. Speaking of, we need to leave or we'll be late." 

"Of course." He held out his arm and she smiled before placing her hand on it. He walked them out of the room and down the stairs into the living room. He smiled when he saw Alex, sitting on the couch, working on his omni-tool, a crease between his eyes. Eyes the exact colour of his own. "And that's my boy." Alex looked at him before crossing the room and hugging him. He ran a reassuring hand along his back. He had to be strong for them. "It's alright."  
"Papa", he sighed, before stepping back. "We're going to be late if we don't leave."  
"I know. Your sister already started lecturing me. Where's Eric?"  
"Meeting us there. Wanted just some time with the four... Three of us." 

That change would take some getting used to. His love had been a big presence in their family. Now they had to find a way to navigate without him. Maybe one day that wouldn't seem so impossible.  
"I agree. This is nice. Maybe after we can return here. Just the three of us.  
"Aunt Cora is hosting the reception afterwards", Ellie reminded them.  
"After that then. We don't show up and your aunt will have my head. Shall we?" 

Ellie had been right, he thought, as they arrived at the ceremony. This was just Initiative pageantry. He did think it was slightly funny that it had been her instead of Alex pointing it out. She was the one who wanted to follow in her dad's footsteps. Not that she could. The Initiative had decreed two years ago that there would be no more replacing lost Pathfinders for the foreseeable future. Maybe later but not now. It was one of the reasons Scott hadn't retired yet. One of the reasons he was... No. It wasn't anyone's fault. It had just happened. He couldn't blame anyone. He wouldn't. 

He gently encouraged the twins to mingle. Making it an order as Ellie tried to insist he shouldn't be alone right now. Yeah, she was definitely Scott's child.  
"Reyes." Kesh walked over to him. "How are you?"  
"Holding on." He hated the talk. The words of concern and apology. Nothing anyone said would make him feel better. Nothing would lessen the hurt. Nothing would bring him back. "How's Vorn? And the rest?" He never could remember all the names. He blamed it on his age. Better to skip them entirely. 

"They're all good. Vorn is here somewhere. The kids aren't. As you can probably tell from the lack of destruction."  
"Yeah", he chuckled. "I do not envy you. Two at once was enough."  
"But you did well. Ellen and Alejandro are a credit to you two."  
"Don't call them that, Kesh. Unless you want to face their wraith." They were three when Ellie put her foot down.  
"My name not Ellen. I Ellie. Brother Allie. Got it?" They had. She was Ellie from that day on. Six months later, Alex felt brave enough to step from his sister's shadow finally and say he wanted to be called Alex. So Alex it was as well. Only Ellie called him something else sometimes. 

He smiled as he remembered Scott's reaction to Alex's name choice later that night.  
"Alex? Really? If I knew that was a possibility, I wouldn't have agree with Alejandro."  
"One name from your side and one from mine. That was the plan. And my grandfather was the only male on my side that deserved that honor. And it's not that close, my love."  
"One letter. Oh, god", he declared dramatically, snuggling into him. "I didn't give birth to Sara and me. I gave birth to my parents."  
"You didn't give birth, drama queen. And it's Ellie. Not Ellen. Remember?" 

A soft bell rang, forcing him back to the present. He said his goodbyes to Kesh and found the twins already in their seats. Alex's boyfriend, Eric, was beside him, holding his hand and whispering comforting words to him. His son had found a good man. There was barely time for a smile between them as he sat down in the empty chair beside Ellie before the council took the stage. 

The council had grown since they first came to Andromeda. Every planet now had an elected representative plus four Angaran members. Of course it had taken Tann's death twenty years ago for the council to truly change into what it was now. Reyes was very glad Scott had outlived him. The woman who had replaced him was a thousand times better. Especially at conducting this service. If it had been Tann, he would have had to try extremely hard not to leap onto the stage and punch him. 

He only half listened to her words. The man she was describing wasn't his love. The man who had forgiven him when he thought he didn't deserve him. The man who showed him how to be a better man. The man who sang their children to sleep. Played with them no matter how tired he was. Cuddled against him every night they were together. That had been his man. The Pathfinder was a legend who would one day turn to myth. Scott Ryder had been a man. An extraordinary one but just a man. One he loved and missed very much. One he couldn't imagine going on without. 

The pageantry didn't last long and he soon found himself alone at the reception. Alone. He supposed he would have to get used to that state. There would be no one else for him. There couldn't be. There would never be another like Scott. He walked over to a table of photos, smiling at one that had to have been taken soon after he arrived in Andromeda. Not that Scott had changed all that much in the over thirty years since. A few wrinkles and the barest beginnings of white at his temples were all that betrayed the fact he still wasn't the twenty-three year old he had fallen for. That and the aches and pains that sometimes kept him up all night. His love had given everything to the cluster. They were not worthy of him. 

He turned and noticed Vederia standing by herself. He almost didn't want to go over and talk to her. But he knew Scott would have been upset if he didn't. Scott would have never blamed her. It wasn't right that he should either. He took a deep breath and walked over to her.  
"Hello, Vederia." She turned, started to see him.  
"Reyes. I didn't think-. I mean. I'm sorry. I never thought-."  
"It's alright. I don't blame you. He wouldn't either. How are you?" 

A freak accident. That was what had stolen Scott from him. The Pathfinders had found a gate that all the Kett entered the cluster through. They had teamed up to destroy the Kett. Once and for all. Scott and Vederia had been in main control trying to shut it down. A unexpected squadron of left over Kett. A bullet striking an electrical panel activating an unknown emergency system. The control room had sealed, locking them both inside. 

Scott and SAM had worked out a hack to open the door just long enough to escape through. But the hack would only work if SAM was near the panel. Scott hadn't told Vederia that. Only that he had a way to save them. Vederia didn't learn the truth until the door slammed shut behind her. Scott managed to keep the system stable until everyone else was away. Only then did he overload it, destroying the gate. Killing himself and SAM in the process. 

"I'm well", she smiled weakly. "Better than I thought anyway. I knew I was likely to outlive everyone but that doesn't make this easier. Especially since he's the first to go unexpectedly. Hayjer was easier. For everyone."  
"No matter when or how Scott went, it was going to be hard on everyone. We all owe him our lives."  
"Some more than others. Excuse me. I've taken up too much of you time." 

Alone again. A state he was discovering he didn't like so much anymore. Now that he knew Scott would never return to his side again.  
"I can't retire with the Kett still a threat. It will be just us soon enough. Just one last mission. Then you'll have years of me annoying you constantly. Decades even. Don't worry. I'll come home to you." But he hadn't. And he never would. How could he go on without him? Without his steadying presence beside him? 

He took a deep breath before looking for their children. There. Ellie was with Kesh, her very new boyfriend, Keith, beside her. Okay, not so new, he supposed. Six months had been more than Scott and him had needed to know they were meant to be. And he seemed to be holding steady. Even obeying Ellie's request not to sit with her during the ceremony. And Alex was? There. Talking to what he thought were Eladden settlers. Doing business to distract from what was happening around him. He was definitely his son. They would both be fine. They were grown. Twenty-three years grown. They had support and each other. And him? He'd had enough of this ritual. 

He returned to their Meridian apartment and was pulling off his tie in the bedroom when someone knocked on the door.  
"It's open", he called. He walked out of the bedroom to discover Cora sitting on the couch. "Lieutenant. Shouldn't you be elsewhere right now?"  
"I would be. If Scott hadn't asked me to do one last thing."  
"I'm fine, Cora. You can return to-."  
"No. Though he also asked me to keep an eye on you and the kids. I didn't come here for that. I came to give you his last message." 

Last message? No. Not possible.  
"SAM died when Scott did. The electrical overload destroyed him too. There was no black box left. Scott couldn't."  
"SAM wasn't the only way. And Scott knew for at least ten minutes he wasn't getting out of there." He didn't want to think of Scott's last moments. All alone. Knowing he was doomed. That his one last mission had become his last.  
"Cora, no. I can't." 

"He was the Pathfinder for a reason. He recorded messages with SAM. But knowing what he was about to do, he also emailed them to me."  
"What?"  
"Made it my last order from him that I give them to everyone. But he said to give you yours when you were alone. I saw you leave. Decided you might need it the most now." Cora pressed a button on her omni-tool and his beeped. "Of course I could be wrong. Didn't actually open any of them. Except for mine. I'll let you get to it. Call if you need anything. Remember you still have family and friends, Reyes. Okay?"  
"Okay." 

He sat down on the couch as she left. Scott had left them messages. Had made sure they would get through. He didn't know why he was surprised. The act was so Scott it hurt to think about. Think about him all alone, sending messages he knew they would receive once he was gone. Even in his last moments, he thought of others. There would never be anyone as selfless as him ever again. He opened his omni-tool and saw a new video message available. Video? He didn't know if he could do it. See Scott again for one last time. He should save it for later. No. Scott had made sure he gave him a goodbye. He owed it to him to watch it. He pressed play. 

"SAM, you still with me?" Black filled the screen but he didn't care. That was his love's voice. One he never thought to hear again. "SAM?!"  
"I am here. That last surge almost fried our connection."  
"Time for you to go then. I can handle it from here."  
"I am not leaving you."  
"Yes you are. That's an order, SAM. Shit. What were the words? Transfer-."  
"No. I am not leaving you." 

"Not having this discussion. I'm the Pathfinder. You will-."  
"And you told me I was my own person. Did you mean it?"  
"Yes. Though I think I'm about to regret saying it."  
"Then I can make my own choices. And I choose to stay with you."  
"Yep. Definitely regret it. You know the Initiative will just bring you back."  
"There will be nothing left for them to try. We have been together so long. I don't wish to have another."  
"Yeah, okay. Love you too. At least I won't be the one dealing with that. How long do you have?"  
"I can hold till the end. I'm not leaving you alone." 

The blackness faded. He saw a control panel in front of him. An arm was braced against it on each side of the picture. That when Reyes realized what he was seeing. Or how he was seeing. He was viewing everything through Scott's eyes. This was SAM's feed.  
"Okay." Scott looked to another panel that was covered with yellow lights. "Everything's holding. For now. Did you send the messages?"  
"I did. I time delayed them by two weeks. Just in case."  
"Kind of pointless but okay. Is everyone else clear?"  
"Almost. I estimate another five minutes."  
"Okay. I need to sit down. Can't feel my legs anymore." 

The view shifted to grey paneling before switching to looking out the window beside him.  
"One last mission, Reyes. I'll be fine. Fuck. I'm not ready. There's still so much I haven't done. I was going to retire. Live life on my own schedule for the first time since waking up here. Grow old with Reyes. Spend time with our grandkids. Even our great grandkids maybe. Whatever. I had over half my life to do whatever I wanted. To finally be selfish. I should have been. Vederia's SAM could have done this. And I would have been... Guilt ridden for the rest of my life. This isn't fair. Reyes. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." 

"My love." He pressed his fingers to the screen. "It's alright. I understand. I love you."  
"Love you so much. I hope you knew that. Tried to show you everyday we were together. I didn't want this. Dying in a blaze of glory was more the Pathfinder than me. You're one of the only people who will understand that. Most would be, 'you're the Pathfinder always'."  
"No you're not." He hadn't fallen for the Pathfinder. He'd fallen for Scott.  
"They forget about me. You never did. It's one of the reasons I loved you. 

"Don't need to tell you this but I will. Take care of our kids, Reyes. Be there for them. For both of us. Because it's not like I can return for an extra twenty years like my mom did."  
"Wish you could."  
"I can't. Never going to meet our grandkids so you love them enough for both of us."  
"No guarantee of them but I will."  
"Should be about five years until then. Alex told me he and Kevin want to get married first. Work on pushing you off that throne before they have their own prince or princesses."  
"That is not happening." 

"Would have been easier for them if I was there. Planned on bugging you relentlessly until you retired too. We ruled Kadara long enough, Reyes. Ten years of that in the light after Keema passed. That crown has got to be getting heavy by now. I know my tiara is."  
"Oh, my queen", he sighed. "You're right. I would have given it up if you had asked me."  
"You had to know what Alex was planning. He's talked of nothing else since he was little. And once our kids have their minds made up that's it. They're as stubborn as their papa."  
"As you, you mean. No one's more stubborn than a Ryder." He heard Scott sigh. Saw his gaze turn back to the control panel. 

"SAM, progress report."  
"Loading onto the shuttles now. And I have a solution."  
"To what?"  
"Getting us out of this alive."  
"What?" What was right. Scott had a way out. How could he not take it? Why hadn't he? "How?"  
"Break the window. The shuttle can pick you up out there."  
"Still be dead. Need air to breathe."  
"I can put you into a coma. You will be able to survive for five minutes out there."  
"Okay. Let me." It took him visible effort to stand again. "Think that last surge took more out of me than I thought. Note to self, do not use your body as a conduit for electricity. Okay, SAM. Tell me how to delay the destruction." 

"You can't."  
"Never liked that word. What do you mean I can't?"  
"There is no way to delay the destruction of this gate. We will have to return another day to finish it off."  
"No. We can't. The Kett-."  
"Have all been killed. None of your team have died here. The station is empty. It will cause no harm to leave it standing for now."  
"I can't leave it standing. Can I?" Yes. Yes, please. Come back home. Come back to me.  
"Reyes is waiting for you."  
"Low blow, SAM. Fine. Radio the shuttle for-." 

The room filled with flashing blue lights.  
"What now?"  
"The gate is opening from the other side. The Kett must have called for reinforcements."  
"I knew it. I told Vederia. Okay. We just close it from this side then. They won't be able to get through. Help me out, SAM."  
"There is but one way." Scott sighed as the screen turned black once more.  
"Don't tell me. I already know. The hope was nice when it lasted. How long?"  
"Two minutes."  
"Get those shuttles cleared. An extra ten feet just to be sure. What do I need to do?"  
"Push the button." 

The screen showed the control panel once more. And an ominous red button at the bottom of it.  
"Course it had to be red. Tell me the instant everyone is clear."  
"Yes, Pathfinder."  
"Reyes, I'm sorry. I tried. Just wasn't good enough." No, baby. You were too good.  
"Get ready to send your feed to Cora for Reyes, SAM and then delete it. Don't need any post accolades. No Pathfinder. Just me. As I wanted to go out. Reyes, you with me?"  
"Yes. Of course, my love." Scott laughed and it almost broke him completely.  
"Don't know why I asked. You won't get this until... Until after. But it feels like you're here with me. You were always with me. Hope I appreciated it enough. You deserved everything. I love you. Goodbye. SAM, cut it." 

The screen closed as he put his head in his hands. That was more then he expected. Seeing Scott's last moments. He was glad SAM was with him till the end. That he hadn't been alone like he thought. Scott had never liked being alone. And now he was... No. Wherever he was now, SAM was with him. They would always be together. It was a comfort to him. And that was maybe enough for him to continue on. In a world without his love. Scott's last wish was for him to live for both of them. It would be hard. But he wouldn't fail him. And hopefully, they would be together again. One day. 

He stood up and walked to the door. He turned around as it opened to study the life they had made there.  
"Goodbye, Scott", he whispered. "I'll always love you."


End file.
